The 50th revolution

I didn't turn 50, it turned me.

I stand in at doorway, looking back.

I remember 16, gliding through the sagebrush on a dirt-bike, a twist of the throttle and the world changed.  The intense focus.  The athleticism.  The creativity.  The edge.  Sixth gear and a huge grin, flying over an old wash, unafraid.  The pleasure was sublime.

I see a teenager in a small radio station, spinning 45's and talking into a mic.  I experienced the curious sensation of people I've never met, feeling as if they knew me.  A store clerk recognized my voice and gushed on about the songs I played.  A girl often called me at the radio station, late Friday's, and make special requests to help her go to sleep.  Ultimately, I was in a room by myself, drifting through speakers within a 50 mile radius.  Entertaining people, but only imagining the smiles and tapping fingers.  It was a lonely thrill.

The locker room is a bastion of testosterone, an obnoxious soup of muscle and slicing sarcasm.  There are few secrets, you dish out the insults and you take them in a cloud of laughter.  Then you step onto the field, one team, one person.  The boys, together, one cause.  What I wouldn't give to do it again.

The first time I stepped onto a stage with a part in a high school play was the first time I'd ever experienced a play of any type.  (Funny, I remember in college seeing a play for the first time and thinking, it's fun from this side of the curtain too).  The thrill of an audience responding to your timing, knowing they're with you, is magnificent.

I didn't think I'd be this melancholy about a birthday, but it feels as if I need to turn around and reacquaint myself with myself.  I want to race through the desert, drift through speakers, slam into a diving receiver and watch the ball tumble to the ground.  I want to step onto the stage again.  I need to walk through the pieces of my youth, scoop them up and breech the threshold of 50 with fresh optimism.  I can't do the things I used to, but I think I threw away the mindset with the ability.

I hope to live from 50 on, with the optimistic hope I had when I was young.

I didn't turn 50, it turned me...