A Certain Sadness

It's taken a year or so to understand it, but I've been sad. Not depressed (I've been there - and am very happy and rich in family and friends), but sad, like attending the funeral of an elderly friend. When I turned 50, I slowly lost my optimistic drive. Opportunities to be a successful writer, photographer, designer, artist, desert racer, speaker and anything else I've ever tried, died. Silly, I know, but as I look honestly at myself, I believe I've been in mourning. Saddened by the realization that I'm not as agile of mind and the window of opportunity has closed. In years past, ideas crowded my mind in throngs, pressing together in a desperate rush to get out. I could reach in the rushing stream and extract ideas of every kind, not worrying much about what I missed in the bounty.

I've squandered so much. Bummer, huh, what a depressing entry, but it's an important realization. I've been in mourning and as we do when we leave the funeral of an elderly friend we say, "he had a good life." We miss them. We smile at happy memories and tear up in the sad, bittersweet. We fill the void, look back fondly and know it was a pleasure to have known them. Beyond that, we begin to realize we've learned from them and continue to learn more.

I say goodbye to so many hopes and dreams. Now, this deep sadness is over. The hollow wondering turns into a new, bittersweet, chapter. Less frantic, more mature and a little kinder - both to myself and others - I move on.