Christmas

Hi. I'm having Christmas with my family in Idaho and will be posting more in the weeks to come.

Jerry

Melancholy Highway

I'm writing a section of The J.A.S.O.N. File that takes place directly after the 9/11 attacks. A group of people sharing a rental car, trying to get home. I'm mapping the route and wondering if I want to use real town names or make them up. At this point, I'll probably do both.

I'm thinking back on that day, how unsettling it was and, at the same time, Americans had a politeness and patriotism that was remarkable. I'm remembering all of the American flags and deep conversations, but I remember the politeness. It was a remarkable, melancholy, horrific day.

Keep Walking

For years, I've meet for breakfast every Thursday with a group of guys. We mostly laugh and encourage, but there are times when we challenge or reprimand. I try to write for an hour or two every morning as a result of the challenges and encouragement from these solid Christian guys.

I spent that time last month exclusively working on a new manuscript. Living moments in my mind, thinking others thoughts, solving problems, the process is a great pleasure to me. I love creating a story.

This brings me to a question. (I hope it provides some insight into my last two blogs). I'm trying to figure out why it has been so difficult to make this a regular part of my life. I've always had stories, pictures, scenes in my head. In high school a friend heard part of a story I recorded on a cassette tape. He made a very flattering comment and it was revolutionary to me. I thought everyone had these same images. I've been invited to write articles. I've been asked to speak publicly, where I do little more than tell stories with application.

For reasons that I don't fully understand, I've always managed to talk myself out of serious attempts at writing. Am I waiting for permission? It feels that way at times, like I'm not the authority.

Greg's comments on my last post keep running through my head. As usual, his sharp mind gathered up the shards and scraps of my thinking and formed them into a gentle coherent mirror.

This is why I'm making a concerted effort to finish some works in my life. I'm starting late, but I have the "word doodles" of a lifetime bumping around the attic of my mind.

Currently I have a 76,000 word manuscript being edited, when it returns, I'll do another rewrite. In the meantime I'm 30,000 words into a piece about a young FBI agent and aspiring actress who are thrown together during the 9/11 attacks. The name of the story is "The J.A.S.O.N. file."

This journey is stretching and ominous, but the joy fills my soul. I'll stop wishing I'd been more serious earlier, learn what I can and move forward.

I hope to complete the rewrite of "Cyn" by the end of January - The guys at breakfast ask if I'm on track every week.

Self Esteem - inside out or outside in?

Self esteem has been on my mind. I've learned my self esteem largely comes from the outside, others have a lot to do with what I think of myself. I've also learned, many, perhaps most, get self esteem from within themselves. For the sake of this entry, I'll refer to these two groups as internals and externals.

There's a difference between self confidence and self esteem. Many externals are performers with the confidence to entertain, which is where they get their self esteem. In thinking about this, both internals and externals have introverts and extraverts.

An external is sensitive to others because they understand they have some control over how one feels about oneself.

An internal is more stable, what someone thinks of them has little to do with what they think of themselves.

I'm thinking out loud more than proposing a theory or tenet.

I've always had low self esteem. This is due partially to a quagmire of arrogance versus humility (I have a fear of being arrogant). I'm very fortunate to have many, many, encouragers in my life, but one negative comment erases a thousand compliments. I have a good amount of confidence, but the voice inside cuts and tears.

Self esteem has been on my mind, I'd like to hear your thoughts, experiences and insights.

Perhaps I'm completely off base and this has nothing whatsoever to do with self esteem.

"Like" a Lion

My friend, Brian Grigory, asked me to blog about something I shared in our adult group at church. For those who don't see much use in prayer or God, I'm particularly interested in your opinion(s).

Evil is a concept that can be difficult to define or understand, but occasionally, we get a clear, picture that leaves no doubt. At Fort Hood, a man stepped into a room of unarmed soldiers and gave us a vivid example of evil. For all our differing views, I think most agree, his actions were evil.

How could this happen? Why would God allow it? I can hear some of you screaming, he did it in the name of god! That's enough to discount the entire convoluted mess. It's a perfectly understandable and reasonable response, but I suggest the answer lies in understanding something about evil. It is weak and it gets its power from us.

A verse in the Bible (I Peter, chapter 5, verse 8) says: "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." The most important word in this verse is "LIKE." The word describes a roaring lion, not a lion sneaking through the grass with power. He makes noise, if you get close, he will sound strong and scary, but he's not.

The man who stepped into that room of unarmed soldiers and began killing, was a coward. He couldn't face the overwhelming power of the United States Army, he was too weak. To make himself seem powerful he found an unguarded, vulnerable room and attacked.

In our personal lives, if we have "rooms" of vulnerability, we create a place for evil to gain power. I'm not suggesting that evil can't hurt you, it can. I'm also not suggesting that pain and sorrow in your life is because you allowed evil in. The innocent people who died at Fort Hood, were killed because a coward let evil overpower him. He gave evil a clear path to roar and scream and destroy.

Thanks for the suggestion Brian, I wasn't as concise as I'd like, but if any of you have questions, comments or need clarity please leave a comment.